I love my husband but have affairs – why can't people accept I have an open marriage?

Dear Coleen

I married my husband six years ago after a whirlwind romance. He’s not only a catch in terms of looks and intelligence, he’s also a good judge of character. He understood that it would be tough for me to be faithful to one man, so we made a pact: I could have my freedom while he’d be faithful to me.

This has worked for us both in that I’ve never “let myself go” and have never lost my sense of adventure.

He’s quite successful, which means working or not working is an option for me and I have an allowance for clothes, fun and entertainment.

We have a lot of fun together and, since there’s competition always lurking around, he tries extra hard to keep me happy.

This sounds very superficial as I write it, but it’s not. He makes me feel secure and that allows me to explore things with other people.

I’ve had short and long-term affairs, all with single men who know I’m happily married. I’ve been taken away on holidays, fallen a little bit in love on a few occasions and have had some very sensuous experiences. None of this has shaken my love for my husband.

My problem is other, ­judgmental people who often hurl insults at me when I’m out with someone besides my husband. I don’t have one female friend I can talk to. This is 2024, not 1964, and marriages can be structured any way that makes both parties happy.

How can I help other people see that the way our marriage works doesn’t make me a bad person?

Coleen says

Well, you probably can’t. You can’t control what other people think of you – what’s important is what you think of yourself and staying true to your own values.

It’s your life, you’re happy, your husband is happy, so you need to grow a thick skin because some people won’t understand it.

It’s not nice to be insulted, but the opinion of these judgmental people – whoever they are – shouldn’t matter to you if you’re happy with your choices.

Open relationships do work for some people and there’s nothing wrong about them for those people. It’s a choice you and your husband made together, and your marriage has been honest from the start, so you have to stop caring what other people think.

Unfortunately, people like to judge and they like to gossip, and I’d say what you’re doing isn’t very common. People feel uncomfortable with things that aren’t the norm, and maybe it makes them question their own relationships.

Some of it could be jealousy that you’ve found someone to have “the best of both worlds” with. You are having your cake and eating it, which is very hard to pull off!

If friendships are proving difficult, then maybe it’s time to focus on finding a different group of friends who accept you for who you are.